ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
