Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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