MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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