I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
no, he came in my armpit
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
