Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
