i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
