I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
