To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
