you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
