I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just gargled with NyQuil
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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