just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
