so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
