so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
