So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
