I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
