i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
