Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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