I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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