Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
