In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
