im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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