I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
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Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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