Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
