I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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