Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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