cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
