Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
