thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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