I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
