I'd wear matching sweaters with you
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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