they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
