my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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