I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
