brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
