What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
