I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
