i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
