All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
