I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
