remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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