Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
