walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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