I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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