I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
