I CAN MOONWALK!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
