Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
