Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
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