All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
