There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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