hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
