You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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