Is it because I queefed?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
