hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
