Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
