I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
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Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
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I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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