Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
